I'm moooooooving

Hi Fellas!

So I've been thinking about it for a while now and I've finally made up my mind - I've spent amazing four years on Blogger, but it's time to move! 

Feel welcome to visit my new blog - https://monycaandstuff.wordpress.com/

“[…] I liked him for liking me.” - a piece of journalism I regard as excellent

            From the very beginning, you know what it is about. Love. But not a usual feeling between two people that seems so extraordinary, lasting, beautiful, authentic. It was not one true love. At least not in the full meaning of it.

            Reading this article you fall in love, just like the fourteen-year-old girl, with her eight-grade history teacher. Slowly starting to see how smart, caring, understanding he is. He becomes your crush like he did among all the feminine students. As if you were there waiting for him to look into your eyes, thinking of how amazing it would be if you could talk just with him, without all those other girls. Students could listen to the stories about their teachers teenage years for hours. His unsophisticated look, the way that he walks, speaks, everything seems to be just hitting the spot. You slowly realize that he could use it easily and so he did.

Mr. Lehrer liked all of his students, but it is easily seen that he liked her the most. Thirteen-years-old at the time, fascinated by the new, young, handsome teacher just as I was reading this essay. Even when narrator made it clear that they, the young girl and her eighth-grade history teacher, had a love affair I was still, just like her, containing all of his lies, absorbing a huge mass of untruth and keeping it in a jar full of falsity closed tightly with a lid.

Feeling as if I was there if I was the girl. I fell under the spell of vaguely harmless Mr. Lehrer. It can even be said that I developed an affection towards him. Keeping reading to see if their love will survive, enjoying their truck-rides, discussions, the time they spent together. But deep inside I knew that what he was doing was wrong. Making a woman believe that you love her even if it can be clearly seen that what you do is just playing around with her feelings should be treated as the worst crime. No one should be allowed to play with the heart of another person.  

Months passed, her parents found out about the relationship between their daughter and her teacher. They decided to bring an action at law. Finally, after weeks of therapy the girl, as well as the reader, realized that it wasn’t her fault. She was the abused, innocent, underage victim and all he did was just using her.

                        If it hadn’t been for the title after reading few staves I would have thought that it was all about forbidden fruit which was the love of a young, teenage girl and 10 years older, married man. Jenny Kutner shows the beauty of essay in her piece “The Other Side of the Story” published in Texas Monthly in 2013. She made me feel what the girl feels talking to Mr. Lehrer, being touched by him. I developed an affection towards the history teacher and, just like the girl, at first, I couldn’t deal with the fact that his every single word was just a delusion.

            Apart from the gripping plot, this is written with the extremely large amount of emotions which can be easily felt while reading. It is surely one of the pieces of journalism that I personally regard as excellent. Metaphors, understatements, great vocabulary and the amazingly well written about the taboo situation are the reasons why this essay is worth reading.

Morning with mood swings

It's almost the end of the first term and I'm stressed. I'm stressed all the time, I stress about everything. My job, my coursework, my social life, my lack of sleep and proper eating habits. I'm a huge mush of stress and because of that, my mood swings tend to be much more intense than usual. Good thing that I don't tend to get angry or super fucking sad in front of people, not even friends. My breakdowns usually happen when I'm all alone in my room. I prefer it that way since then I don't need to explain anything. I don't usually even know how to explain what's going on in my mind. That's just the way it is. The smallest thing may trigger something, it kinda works like an avalanche. Most of the times it's not even the fact that somebody said something and I didn't like it. Usually, it's about the mess in my room, the temperature outside, the shape of my face in my glasses, quality of paper on which I printed something. It's ridiculous. I'm fully aware of that. Thanks to being aware of such things I know sometimes how to control myself. It's rare but, trust me, I'm doing my best not to start crying in the library or not to kick the fucking printer. That kind of intrusive thoughts makes me wonder if I'm even close to being a normal human being. If maybe there's something I can do about it but I never did and now I'll be stuck in this swing forever. You can't even assume when you'll start feeling like shit. Sometimes you can't even recognize the feeling you currently deal with. Am I angry? Sad? Ecstatic? Terrified? Aaaaa, how the fuck do I know?
But yeah, I'm stressing over the tiniest shit lately. I don't know why.

Dear waitress, please kill someone with me #1

As you all may already know apart from being a full-time art student I also work as a waitress at the local sushi place. I love my job, it's way better than working at that last crappy place with a dickhead boss. I treat it more like hanging out with my friends rather than a job, which says a lot about the atmosphere at my work. But it's not what this series will be about. Being a waitress means dealing with a lot of weird customers and I'll be describing funny stuff that happens to me during work. Since some of the events are super odd the title of the series is weird as well. I'm pretty sure one day a customer will ask me to kill someone with him though.
There's this guy, let's call him Garry, so Garry comes to the sushi place at least once a month with his family for a dinner or supper or lunch or whatever. He's a lovely guy, a little bit older than me, studied economics in London and graduated three years ago with flying colours. Every time when he comes in I already know what he is going to order, as he never tries anything new but sticks with his basic choice. That's not weird at all since more than a half of the customers do that. With every meal, he always drinks at least 3 jars of sake, and all that you need to know about sake is that it's fucking strong so it gets you drunk very quickly and super easy. You don't even feel it and then - you're shitfaced. Garry gets drunk every single time when he comes with his family for dinner. I've never seen him sober for more than a few minutes. There's nothing wrong with that, I honestly don't care about his life choices and the fact that he's getting hammered during the family meal. But after he gets drunk he starts hitting up on me, which is super awkward and funny at the same time, but usually, I neither have the power nor am I in the mood to deal with that. Last time it went pretty much as always. Started off with commenting on how good I look in the kimono, proceeding to complement my makeup and tell me that my smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. Then after I went to warm up another jar of sake for him he decided to come up to the counter and just watch me do it. Okay, cool, I don't have to bring it up to him, but I didn't really feel like talking to him at this very moment since it was busy and I had a lot of stuff to do at the same time. So I just let him talk. He spent a few good minutes talking about irrelevant to me stuff and then decided to say the funniest pickup line I've ever heard. And trust me, I've heard a good amount of them to judge now if it's any good. "Hey, you're a single Pringle, I'm a single Pringle, we can be two Pringles in a can." Yeah, he called me a Pringle. It started off okay, but the can part got me. It sounds as if he wants me to end up in jail with him. Can=jail, that's pretty obvious to me. I tried to be polite so I just said thank you, but I don't think it's a good idea, that's your sake and then went on to do what they pay me to do. In the end I'm still working and I don't have time for anything else while I'm there. I wonder what I'll hear next. Will I be a chocolate bar or maybe a broccoli?

Morning with mood swings

I'm extremely happy. I have no idea why. I just am. It's weird to think that after a few months of feeling like shit I can finally say that I'm happy. God, I'm so excited about the smallest stuff. It's like a sudden boost of energy and I'm not complaining. Is it because of next academic year starting soon? Probab;y. Maybe not. I don't even know. Tough to explain. I found some new music favourites lately and that may be a factor but nothing especially great happened. It's good to feel good. I missed that so fucking much that I can't even explain. But now all I want to write about is how jolly I am lately and I got a new mug, which is great and I can have an incredible amount of coffee in it. Shit, life's great mate. My friends came back from holidays and we started hanging out as we used to, I've got so many stuff to do and even more energy to do it. Bad months seem to have faded away and new opportunities come up so quickly that I don't know which one to pick. Maybe I'll just go big and start doing everything at once to find a place for my energy. I'm just afraid that after some time I'll get tired again. Being tired is not my forte. I'll dwell on being tired and end up sinking in sadness again which is not good for my mental health. But for now, let me just live my life as I lost so much time crying and thinking that nothing good will ever happen to me. Now I'm here smiling like an idiot just writing happy stuff about everything. Because no matter what - life's good though somet=imes you want to kill everyone around you and stuff just doesn't go your way.

Mornings with mood swings

Everything is pissing me off. Literally everything. The cup that I left on my desk the other day is weirdly annoying and the ceiling isn't as white as it should be. There's nothing wrong but at the same time everything is just not right. I don't know what is going on with my head but some morings are just tough. One day you wake up feeling just fine when the next day although nothing especially worrying happened you don't want to look at anyone, talk to anyone or sit in the same room with anyone but you also hate the thought of being left on your own. You don't eat because making food requires effort and you can't be bothered, making yourself a cup of coffee is the peak of the fucks you can give that day. Everything is wrong being so perfectly fine and normal. Those are just mood swings screaming to your ear that your room is messy, coffee went cold too quickly and everyone around you is just annyoing. But there's nothing wrong with you. That's just a bad day and soo it will be all over, but it will also come back soon.

And that's a preview of anoother series I want to include in my blog apart from poetry posts. Mornings with mood swings are not as deeply personal as they may seem but mostly that will be a short narrative about how you feel when you wake up annoyed for no reason. Hopefully you'll enjoy my little rants from now and then.

Quitting the job that you hate

 I'm my own, personal hero. At least I think about myself this way because I finally found the courage to quit the job that I hated. Maybe it's fair to say that I didn't actually hate the job as the place and customers - I loved being a barista, but my boss... The guy was driving me mad. 

The thing is that sometimes you should sacrifice something that you love to maintain the right state of mind and just put your mental well-being first. Finding a job when you're a student might be hard 3- man, let me tell you that it even may be described as a fucking hell. That's why it's sometimes hard to quit, even if you passionately hate the job, the boss, and the customers. In my case, it wasn't that bad. To be honest just as I said - being a barista was great, I enjoyed serving coffees to customers who used to come in every day when I was at work. In my opinion, I can easily say that I made lots of friends among customers which is great. 

But then we've got my boss. The guy seemed to alright at the first glance, but trust me, he's not. The first thing to start with - I find it inappropriate when the forty-something guy asks his employee "who's naughty" or calls the employee "mean monkey". Sorry, but I'm not into that kind of jokes or whatever the fuck it was. Also, I don't like when someone leaves me on my own to make coffees, smoothies, milkshakes, toasties, waffles and so on on the Friday evening when every single table is taken and it's just impossible for me to take care of every single order on my own. And if I refuse to make something or keep a customer waiting for too long in my boss's opinion he'd go crazy on me. If you want me to work better I need help when 20 out of 20 tables are taken and people are waiting for their food and drinks. 

The next thing that simply drove me insane was every time my boss decided to threaten me that if I don't take an extra shift he'd fire me. Fuck off. Now you have no one to fire so yay you. The other day he decided to ruin my good mood from the beginning till the very end of my shift. Working there for seven months was enough, I had a new job so the moment he started screaming at me I decided to quit and never come back. I don't care about the leaving period or whatsoever. 

If the employee doesn't feel good at work the quality of the provided service by the employee won't be as good as it can be. If a job causes stress and it doesn't provide the good working environment - quit. Put yourself first and you'll find something that will make you happy. 

Wow I'm so positive after leaving the Cafe. 

Types of customers in a coffe shop

Bitching about my work is something that I do on daily bases. It's not that bad, trust me, but sometimes I just don't want to go there and see same people, ordering same things and try to talk to my boss when I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone about stuff. Especially when the 'stuff' is just shitting on everything that has ever existed. Then someone comes in, someone who I've never seen before, which is weird, because the city that the cafe is in is super small and even people who live there don't like it. So that new person comes in and I'm all excited to see a new face, or just to see a face as sometimes I spend hours watching people pass the coffee shop and then there's me just sitting in the empty room full of seats and trying to forget that I'm going to waste another seven hours of my life... So usually after the excitement, there comes a huge disappointment as the new person turns out to be one of the types of customers that I truly hate. And there's my personal list of people that I wish I've never met during my work in the coffee shop. If you are one of them - we will never get along.

1. The coffee snob
You don't know shit about coffee so please stop pretending. I'm glad that you can read which coffee we serve today but at the same time I don't care about that one time when you drank Costa Rica in one of the best coffee shops in Mexico because guess what - we're in fucking shithole and you don't even know the difference between flat white and dry cappuccino. So just stop boasting about your knowledge when it comes to coffees because I just made a normal cappuccino for you and you didn't even notice.

2. The girl on a diet (or a guy)
I really don't know how many sugars are there in the vanilla syrup and I don't really care.  I don't even want to look for an almond milk for you because it doesn;t really make any difference when you order a flavored mocha. In addition, you also have a waffle and a slice of cheesecake so just stop lying to yourself...

3. The 'what's good' person
I'm pretty chill, how about you mate? But, seriously, I don't know and I've never had any of the cakes that I'm selling in here, I know that if I'll tell you that I like the macchiato you will probably die drinking it as I make it with three shots because otherwise, I'm unable to function. Just take a latte or whatever and just stop trying to figure out which coffee you want, because we both know that you can't tell the difference between them just staring at the menu.

4. The 'do you have a menu or something?' person
No mate. No, we don't. Oh, what's that huge thing behind me? Oh, nothing, don't bother looking at that, it's not that we have everything written down with prices and shit. No. Just ask me what we have in here because surely I know all of the shit written behind my back by heart.

5. The way too friendly customer.
I don't care that your girlfriend dumped you last week, that your hamster died and you forgot to write your essay. All that I care about is which coffee you want and if you give me a tip. I don't want to get to know you because I just don't. That's my work and obviously, I'm going to be friendly, but sometimes it's just a bit too much...

6. The wifi thief
Yes, you can use our wifi and plug your charger but at the same time, that's a coffee shop not a charity organization for people who want to chill somewhere while browsing through facebook. Order something please because if my boss sees you with a bottle of orange juice for 80p sitting there for the past 4 hours he'd kill me.

7. The family
I like when a family comes to the cafe but at the same time it takes some time to make all of the waffles and sundaes and toasties and coffees and hot chocolates and smoothies and milkshakes and if your kid comes to ask me where's the waffle it will only slow me down. If you kid starts screaming and fucks up half of the cafe I'd have to clean it up first so be prepared to wait for around an hour... And please don't scream at me because I' on the edge.

8. The person in a hurry
It's a coffee shop, not McDonald's. OIf you come in here that means you have time to wait for your order. Wait or fuck off.

9. The music fan
If you want to order something I have to hear you, but you have to take off your headphones so that you can hear me as well. Otherwise, I'm just not going to be able to make sure that I'll make exactly what you tried to order man. Don't come and cry that you didn't want sprinkles on your cappuccino because guess what - now I don't give a fuck.

10. The single
I know you are old and still single but I don't want to see anything exciting after work. If 'something exciting' is a secret code for your private parts then you came to a wrong place. GO AWAY, TAKE YOUR COFFEE AND JUST LEAVE.

11. The extra guy
If you already paid don't ask me for an extra creme/shot/chocolate on your order because it's stupid. You have to pay for something extra, that's not a charity but a shop so go away and pay for it first.

I'm fuc*ing 20

That's right lads, I've just turned 20 and you know what? I'm pretty amazed looking at things I've achieved so far. Although I woke up thinking - shit, it flew so fast, if another 20 will flow so quickly then one day I'll just wake up being 40. Which is not as bad as it may sound - maybe I'll finally know who I am and what the fuk I'm doing with my life...

But hey, looking back at things and all of the amazing memories - I'm amazed and I'm truly blessed to be where I am right now at this point of life. 

I was an ambitious kid since I can remember. It doesn't matter what it was about - I just always wanted to be the best - I know it's pretty fucked up, but at the same time thanks to that by the age of six I could write and speak in three languages - Polish, English and Swedish - unfortunately, I ended up not continuing my journey with Swedish so now apart from Jag hetter Monika I can't say anything else. Well - shit. I could also count and I dealt like a boss with simple mathematical equations. During my early stages of education, I started to learn German and I found out that history is the thing that I love. The writing was right by my side at every stage of my life, but back then when I was 13 I didn't know that this is the thing, yeah, THE thing that I want to do every day, every second of my adult life. I just knew that I like doing that but I was pretty damn sure that in the future I want to be a lawyer. Well, although I'm pretty good at proving my point I'm also pretty fucking lazy (and I swear a lot). I know that if I had decided to study law I would manage to do my best, but would I be happy? Not really. It consumes so much time that I'd rather spend reading, taking pictures or writing...
So here I am - studying journalism and creative writing in the UK and even Brexit can't get rid of me, I hope.
When I was a teenager my mom showed me a great part of the world and at the same time, she helped me to develop another passion, right next to learning languages and dancing. Travelling has always been a huge part of my life and after I started modeling I was sure that sitting in one place for the rest of my life is just not for me... Thanks to that I know also that writing and photography are the things that will be the main part of my future as they are now. If someone ever tells you that your passion can't be your job - they are lying! If you try hard enough and pursue to make your dreams come true, you'll make it one day and they can stare at you with their jaws on the floor. Prove them wrong. You do you boo! Even if sometimes it means to make a lot of mistakes and learn everything the hard way - hey, it's your way and that's the most important thing in life, to do everything as you want to.
I'm blessed having the most amazing mother in the whole world and I could never wish for any better. Thanks to this amazing woman I achieved so much. Every time when I wanted to give up and stop doing things that I love, because, fuck, it's so hard sometimes and you start to question if it is even worth the shit you have to go through. She was always there for me and she still is right by my side telling me to go for it and don't care about people's opinions because they are not in my body so how they can know what's best for me? Mom, thank you for being my angel who is always there to laugh, cry, scream, travel, run, eat and diet with me. I love you to the moon and back and to the moon and back and to the moon and back and to the moon and back and to the moon...
20 years of my life were rough, I started up as a small, shy fetus. I was bullied, I bullied others (I'm not proud of this one, but we all make mistakes), I was obsessing about that boy who up till now has no idea about my existence, I had no friends, then I had a bunch of friends. I was traveling, missing my home, finding a home from home, making amazing memories, riding a motorbike without a license, I got my first piercings and tattoos and I started to figure out what the heck life is about. I'm still not sure if I know exactly what's up, but at least I'm trying... Although I keep learning everything the hard way, maybe just because that I'm dyslexic.

10 things I've learned at uni

Hold on, hold on - before you'll close this post, I just want to let you know that this has nothing to do with my uni knowledge or the so-called "real knowledge", but it's all about the life knowledge.

1. People won't even think to judge you.

Going to Uni was pretty stressing. As an international student, I was scared that making new friends will be hard as f...., and others will judge the shit out of me. You know what? I can honestly admit that I met amazing people, who are not judgy at all and I feel that those friendships will bear the test of time. Maybe it's just because I'm studying at art uni, but we are so different and still everyone is amazing,, we just get along well. I can't imagine uni without my flatmates, which make the uni experience even better. 

2. I start to know that time management is the key to being successful. 

I'm not the best example when it comes to time management, yet... But I realized how many things you can do in an hour! Everything is possible if you start to plan and you actually do things as planned. It makes life so much easier and you'll have plenty of time left to just hang out with your friends. Apart from that, your grades will be better as well as you can spend more time polishing your piece rather than writing it the night before submitting. 

3. Male-female friendships are the best. 

And they do actually exist. When I would have to list my friends in the uni I would immediately think about two girls and five guys. Actually, I spend more time chilling with my "male besties" rather that girl-friends. If I had to pick, I'd probably not even think twice :)

4. Sleepovers are fun either if you're ten or twenty.

And by that, I mean that age doesn't matter at all! If you want to do something, just do it! If you like someone, don't think about their age! That's just a number, which shouldn't define you.

5. Spending time alone is cool.

Seriously, I started to appreciate the time which I can spend just with myself. It's nice to have an hour or two just for yourself. It doesn't really matter what you want to do with that time. Parts of the whole day you should spend just doing whatever you like. Do you want to take a nap? Do it! Maybe there's a book you wanted to read or a movie you'd like to watch? Play a game, study, make a fancy dinner for yourself. Do whatever you want, spend that time thinking just about yourself and don't feel bad about it!

6. You can say NO to things.

You don't have to do same things as others. It doesn't work like that, you have plenty of options so don't be afraid to say "no" to things. If you don't want to do something there's no point in trying to make yourself do it. Just slowly try to learn to say no. You know best what is good for you. 

7. Working full time is actually pretty fun

You meet new people, you learn new things and you earn money - sounds great and it is great. By the way by working full time as a student I mean working maximum three days per week to have time to take care of your coursework!

8. No one cares about your accent

That doesn't mean that people won't notice it or ask where you are from, but trust me - no one gives a shit about your accent if you can easily communicate with them. 

9. Talk with as many people as you can!

Not only will your English improve faster, but you'll make lots of friends! Just go out and talk with people! There's nothing better than that, and if you'll be living in halls - that's the right time to do it! 

10. Although you may feel so - you are never alone.

I know that it's hard at first, but after a month or maybe even a week you'll get used to living abroad or in another city. You'll meet people who'll become your second family and you have to know that no matter what they'll be there for you. Of course, you'll have fights! You'll quarrel about the smallest things in the whole world, but that's how it works! Not everyone has to agree with everything you say so just... chill, take a deep breath and remember that everything is going to be fine (if not MARVELOUS). 

University can sometimes seem hard, but what in life doesn't? If something is easy - it's not worth it! 

What I hate about working in a coffe shop

Just to start off, I love my job. There is absolutely nothing better for a coffee freak than working in a coffee shop. Although it takes some time to get used to a new working environment it is a pleasant place to work at. But then it also has a tone of disadvantages. Most of which are... customers. Yes - hello all of you coming to a coffee shop.This is rather something that you should probably read. The time has come to moan about things that I hate about my job.

What I hate about working in a coffee shop?

1. Way too impatient people. 
Hello dear, you alright? Great because you are having your lunch break and I'm here to make your waffle, take away toastie and skinny weak latte with creamy milk, but I'm here also to take other people orders and prepare everything. So please don't shout when I'm doing my best. Behind the counter, there's just me and my boss making coffee, in addition, if you order a fresh waffle don't think that I can somehow make it in five minutes. Sit the fuck down and wait, because if you start to shout at me it won't help you at all. Be sure that your order will be completed as fast as possible, but I'm not a wizard so don't think I can magically make a toastie in 4 seconds. You won't die if you wait a little bit.

2. "It's not a coffee I ordered"
Well, it is. I'm sorry to say, but you probably have never seen a difference between flat white and americano with milk, so please just next time... ask. Don't bitch about it later. I work there for a reason and I know that not everyone has to know everything about types of coffees.

3. "Could I get a big americano with hot, creamy, skimmed milk and shot of vanilla syrup?" 
You've just basically asked me for a flat white or even flavored cappuccino, but in such a way that you will pay less than you should, getting exactly what the guy before you got. And if my boss is not around I will probably make for you that fucking cappu, but if he was there he would make you pay more because that's just how it is and don't try to be a sneaky bastard.

4. Mess that customers leave
I've been trying to figure out what is that hard about picking a piece of paper that you've dropped seconds ago and I still didn't get to any conclusions. This is one of the biggest mysteries of all the times.

5. Kids, or maybe just their parents. 
You are at a coffee shop and not on a playground. Please take care of your kid, because first of all it's really annoying and second of all - it's pretty dangerous for a kid to run around when I'm serving a hot coffee and other beverages. I mean... I can make another coffee, it will take me 4 minutes. But for you to have another baby? It can take up from 9 months. (Oh that was dark...)

6. Inside vapers 
If you want to vape, please leave. It's also a cigarette and although sometimes smoke does smell pretty nice, I just don't want to look at you sitting in a corner sipping your espresso, creating that huge cloud of smoke over there. Do you want to know why? Because it's me who gets complaints from other clients, not you!

7. People asking for extras. 
This is a coffee shop, not a lottery or charity. As much as I would love to put a third free strawberry on your waffle, I can't. But you know what works better? Just be nice and smile, then you can be sure that you'll get the most delicious waffle, toastie, and coffee in the whole world.

8. The toilet paper thieves. 
You can be sure that I know about this coffee shop everything. From the names of our clients that come there every single day, through the number of sugar bags on each table straight to the amount of toilet paper rolls. And it's just impossible, that "There's no paper in the loo". I've been there a few minutes ago and there were four toilet rolls. What has happened in the space of four minutes? Please tell me, because it seems fucking odd.


Summing up - as a waitress, kitchen porter, and almost a cook - I can tell you the most important thing in the whole world: every time coming to a coffee shop/restaurant/food truck etc. just be nice. Smile, ask if the person behind the counter is alright, give a small tip, don't leave a huge mess after yourself. Those are just small things, but a single smile from a customer can really brighten our shitty day. Don't shout at us, remember that although you are paying, we are the one's in charge when it comes to your food/drink/product. We can do awful, awful things to it. So please, be nice to people, not only in restaurants.

Dear X,

We haven't spoken with each other for three years, seven months and nine days. Well... we did once, but it was only about you taking your stuff from my place. You left your socks by the way and I'm still waiting when you will come back for them. I just wanted to check if you are alright, because I couldn't figure it out after stalking you for three months on facebook. I wish I were brave enough to just call you and ask how you are doing, but I'm not. So I decided to write a letter - you like old vintage things, don't you - but I will never send it either, because I'm afraid you wouldn't read it or couldn't be bothered to answer at least.
          I hope that you are doing well and that you found your own way of living. But please, not this garage band - I know you can't play the guitar, as we both know you have always been tone-deaf. I'm sorry, not for calling you tone-deaf - you know it's true, but for everything that have happened. I'm sorry that I hurt you so bad that you pretend not to know me now when we see each other in the store. I'm sorry that I didn't apologize and that I let you go, but, dear X, you didn't fight and you let me let you go. I remember the day when I said 'yes' so well as if it was just yeasterday. Back then I was just afraid that otherwise I would lose my friend and I needed you to be by my side. I wanted you to be there for me and if I told you 'no' you would be hurt again. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I did and all I can do now is explain that I never wanted to do so. I still remember our late night walks to the nearest park. When I was sitting on the back of my favourite bench so I could be a little bit taller than you to look into your deep, brown eyes and feel so bad to lie to you just because I wanted to keep you by my side. First time you told me you loved me I didn't respond a nd I saw that you were hurt. I didn't want you to be sad or angry so next time I said I loved you too, but it wasn't entirely true, but I did everything I could to keep you by my side.
          I didn't want to lose or hurt my best friend. But I did and I can't take it back, undo it. And then you didn't want to tell our friends that we were together, this is when I saw that I actually did love you, but it was already too late. I knew too well how it feels to be someobody else's secret and I didn't like it. I promised myself oonce that I would never agree to be in a dark, jump into the closet and hide.
          Dear X, I know that I hurt you, but you need to know that you also hurt me. I thought that you didin't love me anymore, that you were ashamed of me, because we were so different and I just didn't fit perfectly in your life. That was that moment when I decided thaat I had to leave you. So I stopped talking to you, but you ignored me back, which drove me mad (actually I was pretty sad about that) and I tried to get your attention, but you just seemed to lost interest in me so I gave up. I'm sorry for the way we broke up. Shaking your hand saying "thanks for everything" wasn't the best idea, but you have to understand that it wasn't my best day and you know why. I'm glad you moved on so fast, but I hate the fact that every time we see each other in the store or on the street you ignore me and we stopped even saing hi. I'm sorry that you can't even look at me right now. I remember when I seemed to be the only one in the whole world that you wanted to look at.
          Anyways, I just wanted to say that I hope you are doing well. Last time I saw you you seemed to be quite alright. May all of your dreams come true and I know that one day you will find someone who will look at you with so much love as once you looked at me. I'm sorry.

Big Brother is watching you!

         

           John Fiske said in "Reading the Popular" the popular text produces meanings that can become relevant in everyday life. The example of this can be seen taking under consideration cover of the book written by George Orwell - "1984". The range of colors is very limited - the artist used only red, black, dull yellow and dark orange. The choice isn't random as colors refer to the narrative and produce very strong meaning.

          Even if people haven't read the "1984" they still probably came across the slogan placed in the top part of the cover. "Big Brother is watching YOU!" - nowadays is mainly known from the famous TVshow, so the cover and book produced element which got popularised and its meaning can be perceived differently in various social groups (if someone doesn't know the book they won't know that their favourite TV show wasn't the first one to invent the idea of Big Brother). There are also multiple poems and songs inspired by the book or the slogan - that shows us various meanings and elements produced by the culture.   

   

 The cover is a great example of mixing popular culture with high one. It's kept in the pop art vibes but it bears as well strong similarities to the capitalist propaganda posters, which were really popular during Stalinist regime. It links the meaning to historical background to which it may refer. It suggest us that the cover is actually a satiric comment about the political situation back “then”-specifying the time isn't needed as the man bears a strong similarity to Stalin. Just look at that moustache plus the choice of colors - coincidence? I think not! Additionally looking at the cover we can see that the man together with the red line behind him forms a cross - it may suggest an ending, death - probably death of our privacy as Big Brother is watching us!

       

                    Moreover the man looks like an evil robot so he isn't looking after us, but just watching every our move, spying. He doesn't have a pupil in his eyes which makes them look like tiny lights. He seems to be mad, but at the same time we can notice that he is smiling - does he enjoy watching us? If so... It makes the cover even creepier and adds more to the creation of the character – he is clearly a psychopath. Placing him in the middle of the picture implies that he is the  Brother watching us and enjoying doing it as well.

            It's time for the colors! Red – color of blood, war and danger - a background of the part with slogan implies that the  Brother watching us will bring  nothing good. Dark red line behind the man on the cover refers to anger and leadership –  if someone watches us every day he wants to take control over the population. Dark orange in the back of the man implies deceit and distrust –  how can you trust somebody that wants to take over population =  whole world. Black,  main color when it comes to the “man part” – refers to death, mystery and fear. That would explain why it's so hard to specifically say who is on the cover –  the Big Brother?  Someone who helps him? Or Stalin? There is no one,good answer to it, everyone can see it differently.  

          

         

“A great story doesn’t have to end with success”

                Liz May, curator of Farnham Museum, launched an exhibition to honor the memory of David Johnstone and John Hoare on the 50^th anniversary of their courageous try to cross the Atlantic in a boat called the Puffin. It was the first attempt of the 20^th century to row across the Atlantic. Last time the men were seen alive was on the 11^th of August 1966. As an adventurous person and a reporter at local newspaper David Johnstone was always looking for a next thing that would interest him. During one of the interviews he said “If we don’t have a go, we shall live the rest of our lives wondering if we might have made it – and knowing that only fear persuaded us from the attempt”.

                 “Most of the locals haven’t heard about that story before the exhibition” said Liz mentioning that a big group of people knew about the successful journey of John Ridgeway and Chay Blyth. Their attempt to row the Atlantic ended with a success. There is a road, school and a bakery in Farnham named after John Ridgeway. Chay Blythe after that journey made a career out of travelling and exploring. As most of the local people knew about Ridgeway and Blythe there was no interest in the tragic history of the Puffin. “It was a story that deserved to be told” said Liz May “A great story doesn’t have to end with success. What is courageous is that they didn’t give up.” The curator of Farnham Museum finds this story particularly interesting  as the men were given plenty of opportunities to stop their journey. From the rescued journal of their travel can be seen that they knew they were probably going to die, that were not going to succeed, but kept going.

                Everything that is placed in the exhibition was donated to the Farnham Museum by David Johnstone’s mother in 1968. The boat itself was found in October 1966. A bottle with pills, a net, a food can, clothes, shoes, a map and technical equipment. Every item that was found on the wreck can be seen on the exhibition, apart from journey journal, which contains of 149 hand-written pages. It is in Farnham Museum, but it is too fragile to be put into exhibition. Last record was written on 3^rd of September, just before hurricane struck the area. The journal was an inspiration for Merton Naydler, Johnstone’s family friend, to write a book about the tragic history of the Puffin.

                Apart from that exhibition, there is no memorial in Farnham, which celebrates the memory of Johnstone and Hoare, two men born in this city who tried to row the Atlantic. Until the 24^th of December visitors  can get to know the story of the Puffin visiting the Farnham Museum. It is opened for visitors from Tuesday to Sathurday, 10am-5pm, free entry.

                In the end the Puffin did cross the Atlantic. A British ocean rower, Graham Walters, set off in 2006 to give the historical boat another chance to row the Atlantic. This time the attempt ended with success. Now the Puffin is a part of exhibition in the Exter Maritime Museum. 

News story - Goldilocks as girl on drugs.

As we do more and more fun stuff during our classes I decided to post some of my works on the blog. Here comes the news story based on the fairytale about Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Hope you'll enjoy this little news twist!

Girl on drugs broke into a house

                Young girl from Berlin, Germany, broke into the house of her neighbors few nights ago. On 20^th of October during Bruners’ absence she broke the doors to get into the house. The family lives near local forest so the girl managed to escape unnoticed by their neighbors quickly hiding in the woods when the family came back.

                After the investigation the police assumed that nothing was stolen from the Bruners’ house, but multiple things are destroyed. “She broke most of the plates and cups. Managed to destroy a very old, antique chair which was worth around $1820.” Said the police officer investigating the matter. “The girl also broke one bed, shower, sink, four windows and the main doors. The whole loss is estimated to be around $25000.”

Probably the girl was after high dose of psychedelic drugs as when she saw Bruners’ coming to the bedroom she grabbed a mop and tried to hit the Bart Bruner. “I did not know what was going on. She jumped out of the bed screaming something about bears, wild forest creatures and that she doesn’t want to die.” Said Bart Bruner during one of the police interviews.

                The girl moved into small flat nearby Bruners’ together with her boyfriend. They have been living on the Victoria StraBe for two weeks and since then the police had been at their place for over ten times as the neighbors were complaining about the noise and rude behavior. A week ago before breaking into Bruners’ house local police found five grams of cocaine, two grams of weed and eleven pills of MDMA at the place where the girl, introducing herself as Goldilocks, lives.

                Thanks to the CTV cameras and support of the local neighbors the police managed to catch Goldilocks and now they are still looking for her boyfriend who managed to escape. Local hospital did test if she was on drugs during the misfortunate event. That night she in her blood was high dose of LSD, heroin and probably also other psychedelics, but the sample of her blood is still being tested. The girl is in the arrest waiting for a trial. 

Dear readers...

            I haven't written anything for such a long time that I'm worried that I can't do it anymore. At least not as good as I used to (that self confidence!). But I'm back. Wiser, stronger and with less amount of free time than before - I thought that it won't ever be possible and now, here I am. Complaining about how many things I have to do in such small period of time. Mabye not even about the things that have to be done but about the things that I know that I can't do because of the lack of time.
           In the meantime (a lot of times in this post) between sitting and writing God knows what and the previous text called "Understatements" I got myself into the most unfair workplace on the whole basketball so called planet earth. Don't worry mates - about this one I will write next - it will take me more that over 400 words to describe how happy I am being fired. No - that was me who left  this amazing job but having said that they kicked me out made it more dramatic. I've been also working on my portfolio and as a photographer which I purely love! However I don't have that much time to enjoy taking pictures to the fullest and I'm also lacking the memory in my phone so taking selfies is not easy also. But apart from being driven mad by the first job and falling more and more in love with the second and third one I was going crazy about my future studies. You know all the Brexit matter made me cry for few nights and then... I did my research and I kept calm. It is quite obvious that things may change for future students from the EU but I know that I can handle it. I did my best in Asia, so I won't succeed in UK? No way. (Mom please stop calling me for thetea I heard you at first try, I love you but I'm writing, just give me five minutes.) So I've been stressing my ass out, loosing weight, gaining weight, quitted my amazing job, found new one.
                 A lot things happened in such short amount of time but although I've spent so many hours doing things I didn't do anything that I've previously planned. Books are still not finnished (either not written or not read), my gym ticket still hasn't been used even once and from all the movies I wanted to watch I managed to see only one. But now I promise that I'm going to manage to do everything as I planned. Starting from now on, but first let me take a nap...

Understatements

           Sometimes I got this weird feeling that I got lost somewhere while browsing the internet. It happens a lot lately since I have a little bit more free time than I used to as I finished my last year of high school. However, after few minutes spent on Facebook suddenly my eye got caught by a page of my acquaintance  - a  girl that recently has taken up modeling in the same agency that I work for as a model, photographer and a scout. I met her few times before - she is a little bit too tall (although she is sure that sshe is not taller than 182cm, but in fact she is around 185cm tall), way too fat - as an ordinary girl her measurements are totally fine, mabye even great, but, ekhm, hello - she wants to be a real model so 65cm in her waist is just screaming "please stop eating sweets". Not even saying anything about 95cm in her hips... Modeling industry just cannot accept that - and if you can't loose weight - just stop trying because it means that you are just not made to be a model. Her hair also was in a really bad condition - no girls ombre is not yay, it is totally nay when it comes to modeling (and to day to day life, you don't look cool but stupid as if you forgot to color your hair for months!). So summing everything up she is a total new face who doesn't even know a smallest bit of the real modeling industry. And you know what? That's totally fine! This is what agencies are for! To teach you everything, tell you what you should do to improve your career. Everything would be fine if she didn't feel as a top model.
         Getting back to the topic of her fanpage - she has already let everyone know that she is a very good, professional model. When it comes to me - it is okay, I don't care, moreover I don't even give a single shit about it. Through five years of working as a model I have never ever bosted so hard about my job. Being serious I have never met anoyone who said that it is the best job in the whole world. Just being serious - it is hard, exhausting, but addicitive just like a drug. When you start modeling and get to know the industry from the inside although mabye you don't even like it you won't be able to get out of it just because you will never want to. Noone quits modeling because he or she wants to, but most of the professional models don't say that they love their job and everything about it is perfect, because it is not. So the girl apart from boasting around, which is annoying, also doesn't listen to what the photographer says. She thinks that the person making pictures is there for her and not that she should do what the photographer asks for. Okay her legs covered in fake tan also don't want to listen to anoyone, although everyone asks her why her legs are so orange. Nevermind.
           Surffing through her profile I got on a page where random people can ask her questions. Apart from finding out that she is even dumber than I thought (I'm sorry but not knowing some of the most famous poets or writers is just a crime for me and using way too much of acronimes makses everything sound even worse) she also is "preparing for Europe, because Asia is way worse than a real modeling job" - said the girl that has never been in Asia and has no real experience. I have nothing else to say apart from that I'm really sorry for her. When she finally get a contract behaving like that all I can do is wish her luck, because if she would be my roommate after first sentence like that I wouldn't want to talk with the new face top star best model ever anymore. I like new faces because they are fres, not damaged in any way by years of modeling, but if a new face behaves like a douchebag... Just don't come near me - I'm pretty sure that I'm allergic to those kind of people.

What does the limelight blot out?

 

All of us know the pretty faces from the covers of the magazines. Their beautiful eyes, perfect skin, wide smile, skinny posture. Getting to the world of modelling seems to be one of the most desirable things among youth. But after one becomes acquainted to this specific “dream” occupation it turns out not to be a bed of roses. 

                 

Most of people starting a modelling career are just kids, waiting for years to pass faster, to grow taller, trying to be more and more skinny, not sleeping the nights trying to imagine how great feeling it is to look at yourself at the cover of the magazine. Been there, done that.  After all the sweet things seen in the television, read in the magazines or on some websites I was full of excitement going on my first modelling contract to Bangkok. And then, all of a sudden, my whole world perception collapsed. They said it was normal, ordinary, that it is me who came out of the blue with some fossil outlooks about my peers.

               

 

            Being used to thinking that drugs are bad and people drinking alcohol everyday are those under serious problem and should receive special treatment I was treated as if I was a freak. It was acceptable, moreover, entirely normal if someone was getting not drunk – wasted, every single day. Doing drugs also wasn’t seen as a bad thing. The most important things was to be as skinny as possible. They could do anything to keep the perfect size zero. Being on a diet, or even not eating at all just to please the bookers, to get more jobs and to finally hear that you did good job, and that you are worth something. After hours of working everyday going to the club to earn some extra money, because pocket money wasn’t enough for food, everything was being spend on public transport. Trying to smile when you have a bad day, jumping in too small shoes and behaving as if everything was just fine after hearing all those mean words thrown in your face by clients. Bearing the pressure and all of the mentioned above just to earn maybe not even 100 dollars for three months. 

                What is the saddest thing about people who decide to earn for a living being a model? They are inconceivably smart, but they had no chance to find full employment in their countries for various reasons. All of them needed money.  One of my model-friends is a lawyer, another one needed to earn money to pay the tuition fee in order to finish her psychology university. Being dragged in the modelling industry it is hard to get out of this rat race. Every single disadvantage seems to be repaid in the moment when you see yourself on the cover of the magazine. It can bring a smile to your face but it will never make you forget what you have been through. 

              

                   Models are the most independent, lonely, stranded, but still emotional and helpful people I have ever met. Although people decide to leave modelling behind  - it have a huge impact on who they become. From a kid living in a fool’s paradise they change into an independent, strong person who can put up with everything and deal with the biggest problems.

                What does the limelight blot out? Tears, pain and the desperate rat race to perfection.