wtorek, 17 października 2017

Dear waitress, please kill someone with me #1

As you all may already know apart from being a full-time art student I also work as a waitress at the local sushi place. I love my job, it's way better than working at that last crappy place with a dickhead boss. I treat it more like hanging out with my friends rather than a job, which says a lot about the atmosphere at my work. But it's not what this series will be about. Being a waitress means dealing with a lot of weird customers and I'll be describing funny stuff that happens to me during work. Since some of the events are super odd the title of the series is weird as well. I'm pretty sure one day a customer will ask me to kill someone with him though.
There's this guy, let's call him Garry, so Garry comes to the sushi place at least once a month with his family for a dinner or supper or lunch or whatever. He's a lovely guy, a little bit older than me, studied economics in London and graduated three years ago with flying colours. Every time when he comes in I already know what he is going to order, as he never tries anything new but sticks with his basic choice. That's not weird at all since more than a half of the customers do that. With every meal, he always drinks at least 3 jars of sake, and all that you need to know about sake is that it's fucking strong so it gets you drunk very quickly and super easy. You don't even feel it and then - you're shitfaced. Garry gets drunk every single time when he comes with his family for dinner. I've never seen him sober for more than a few minutes. There's nothing wrong with that, I honestly don't care about his life choices and the fact that he's getting hammered during the family meal. But after he gets drunk he starts hitting up on me, which is super awkward and funny at the same time, but usually, I neither have the power nor am I in the mood to deal with that. Last time it went pretty much as always. Started off with commenting on how good I look in the kimono, proceeding to complement my makeup and tell me that my smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. Then after I went to warm up another jar of sake for him he decided to come up to the counter and just watch me do it. Okay, cool, I don't have to bring it up to him, but I didn't really feel like talking to him at this very moment since it was busy and I had a lot of stuff to do at the same time. So I just let him talk. He spent a few good minutes talking about irrelevant to me stuff and then decided to say the funniest pickup line I've ever heard. And trust me, I've heard a good amount of them to judge now if it's any good. "Hey, you're a single Pringle, I'm a single Pringle, we can be two Pringles in a can." Yeah, he called me a Pringle. It started off okay, but the can part got me. It sounds as if he wants me to end up in jail with him. Can=jail, that's pretty obvious to me. I tried to be polite so I just said thank you, but I don't think it's a good idea, that's your sake and then went on to do what they pay me to do. In the end I'm still working and I don't have time for anything else while I'm there. I wonder what I'll hear next. Will I be a chocolate bar or maybe a broccoli?

czwartek, 5 października 2017

Letter to The Friend - one of the pieces from my last year's portfolio

Normally students take exams, art students submit portfolios each term for each module and that is one of the poems that I've submitted as a part of my portfolio last year for Poetry and Poetics. Enjoooooy

Letter to the Friend
I still can taste that vanilla
whiskey we used to drink back in our hometown.
It is just stuck in my mind.
Somehow I’m able to recall it all except
how you draw that small sketch
you later gave to the girl you used to like.

Objects in my flat keep reminding me of your
unique, quite beautiful smile.
With you, by my side, everything was better in the end.
Empty room of yours may slowly turn me into a psycho.
Realizing that you are
elsewhere, laughing at someone else’s jokes.
Have you forgotten? You and me, together through thick and thin.

Enjoy everything in life that you can get
rather than trying to highjack
everything you’ve got. Please, abandon
bad thoughts and memories too.

Unlucky I am not having seen new,
truly great things that happened to you. You still are my peach,
yet I feel as if I’m stuck in a limbo.

Okay, enough about me, I wanted to know,
Us, you and me, if you maybe will
add an hour to your schedule to meet me? I know you
rearranged your life, which was kind of drastic.

Every day I just think  
that I’d love to spend some time with my friend, who is all the time busy.
How fast everything changed, we got destroyed by the Tsunami.
Expiry date is on every object.
Rich memories are not enough when I’m sitting on my own with a glass of Martini.
Everything is alright with you I hope. I just miss
my dear

niedziela, 17 września 2017

Types of customers - Sushi restaurant

Znalezione obrazy dla zapytania tumblr waitress funnyZnalezione obrazy dla zapytania waitress memesSo yeah... As you may knoow or may not know - I quitted my previous job months ago now. It feels like forever, finally dropped my douchy boss and moved to a place which I actually like. I do miss being a barista, but on the other hand being a waitress is fun as well. Plus I don't have to make food now, which is great, because seriously that was a part that I hated so, so much. Now I work at a Sushi restaurant in the twown where I live and I love it. It gets ridiculously busy sometimes and it would be all good if not for some douchy customers... If you're one of them - just stop, stop whatever you're doing because you are being an annoying little fuck.

1) Dad jokes master. 
Puns that you come up with are not funny. I get it, but I don't appreciate it at all. When I come up to you saying that I'm Monika and today I'll be your waitress, please don't say "Hi Monika, I'm hungry". I know that you're hungry, you came to a restaurant, therefore you must be hungry, because you came here to eat. So shut up and just order. And also - "We've got some rolls so now we can roll" is not that innovative and original as you may think. In fact 50% of people say it so don't be that proud of yourself.
Znalezione obrazy dla zapytania waitress funny
2) Impatient guy
Yeah, I know it may seem that it takes forever, but if you scream at me it's not gonna help. I'm going to ignore you, because as you haven't noticed, we've got the entire restaurant filled with customers, and you were the last one to order, because it took you way too long so wnow you can wait. I'm not even sorry.

3) 'So what's the deal' person
The deal is that you order and you get your food. Just choose whatever. Yes, I'm here to help you, but I'm not going to order for you mate. Stop asking me about every single thing, becasue every sngle roll is alsmot thee same and youve goot the ingredients written in the name, so what's your del? Can't you read?

4) Vegan with rice issues
Znalezione obrazy dla zapytania waitress funnyI don't even know where to start, because why are you even here? At a sushi restaurant? And you don't like rice? But you're also a vegan? So we just have noodle soup for you, but you don't like noodles. God help me.

5) I know that you're fully booked but I want to get a table and no I'm not okay with sitting at the bar. 
Fuck off. Seriously, you annoy the fuck out of me, leave and never come back.

6) Do you still serve food? 
Znalezione obrazy dla zapytania waitress funnyYes we do serve food 20 minutes before closing but I still expect you to leave at 10pm, because guess what - I want to go home and get enough sleep before my morning lectures. If you don't leave by then I'm going to passive agressively stare at you for the rest of the time you'll be at the restaurant, because I hate you so fucking much and I don't want to be there anyommer. Yes, I do get paid if I stay there longer, but there are some day when I actually want to go to bed before 11. Oh and if you stay up till midnight although theres a huge sign that we close at 10 then fuck you, get in the fucking bin you asshole.

7) I've been here so many times, can I get a discount?
No, I don't even have to be polite about it. Straight up no and if you don't like it I hope you'll never come back.

Znalezione obrazy dla zapytania waitress funnyWorking at restaurants showed me how many assholes live around me. I also met many great people and I do love my job, but people like the ones listed above just make me wanna scream and hide behind the counter. I'm not even talking about guys getting drunk and hitting up on waitresses because that's another story for an entire post. Don't be like them, ever....