It's almost the end of the first term and I'm stressed. I'm stressed all the time, I stress about everything. My job, my coursework, my social life, my lack of sleep and proper eating habits. I'm a huge mush of stress and because of that, my mood swings tend to be much more intense than usual. Good thing that I don't tend to get angry or super fucking sad in front of people, not even friends. My breakdowns usually happen when I'm all alone in my room. I prefer it that way since then I don't need to explain anything. I don't usually even know how to explain what's going on in my mind. That's just the way it is. The smallest thing may trigger something, it kinda works like an avalanche. Most of the times it's not even the fact that somebody said something and I didn't like it. Usually, it's about the mess in my room, the temperature outside, the shape of my face in my glasses, quality of paper on which I printed something. It's ridiculous. I'm fully aware of that. Thanks to being aware of such things I know sometimes how to control myself. It's rare but, trust me, I'm doing my best not to start crying in the library or not to kick the fucking printer. That kind of intrusive thoughts makes me wonder if I'm even close to being a normal human being. If maybe there's something I can do about it but I never did and now I'll be stuck in this swing forever. You can't even assume when you'll start feeling like shit. Sometimes you can't even recognize the feeling you currently deal with. Am I angry? Sad? Ecstatic? Terrified? Aaaaa, how the fuck do I know?But yeah, I'm stressing over the tiniest shit lately. I don't know why.
