Sinning

       Life begins in silence. In voiceless waiting. Coming out of nothingness. Then there is a first, loud scream – sign of the new born life. A while of happiness seems to take away all of the bad things. We are growing up, getting ourselves into the rat race. Rushing all the time. Why? There is nothing in the end. 

 

       We love. At least we think so. Repeating phrase that we hear since childhood. At first we feel tied up with those words putting all of us in it, our whole heart. Then it is only “you too” left. The passing feeling seems to be something certain, lasting, permanent. We are taking it for granted just like the seasons. Thinking that it will never disappear. That is the moment when we lose it. Slowly. Painlessly. In silence. We feel nothing. Drifting apart. Being next to other person not giving her even a small amount of love. We just got used to her presence. Without her it would be quiet, but nothing else would change. We are living next to each other. Not feeling anything. Trusting. Losing. Sinning. 

 

       We trust. Too much. Too often. We crave understanding. Desperately looking for a trustee. Finally we find one. Silence gets broken with a moment of happiness. Sharing every thought. Telling about all of the dreams. Talking about fears, love, fascinations, happiness. We can not imagine even a single day without a conversation with this special person. Finally feeling safe. Trusting we fall in love. Getting out of the comfort zone. Standing completely naked. Exposed to a sore. Showing the soul to someone it is easy for them to hurt us. We are vulnerable. That is the moment when we lose everything. Trusting. Loving. Being credulous. Losing. Sinning. 

 

       We lose. Everything. Everyone. Ourselves. In silence. We are not protesting. It seems to be pointless. Remaining in the comfort zone. Leaving changes for later. Getting used to the situation. Creating our new comfort zone and planning not to leave it for the next few years. We are holding our tongue. Not trying to fight. Looking away, putting our fingers in our ears. Running away, but we do not have any place to hide. We do not want to do anything, being scared of effects. Fear stops us. We are scared of ourselves, others, rejection, being laughed at and again being rejected. Desires are getting crushed. Feelings are being killed. Our last scream had been dead for years. The only thing that remains is silence. We agree to lose love, feeling, trust. Not protesting. Not fighting. Giving up. Sinning. 

 

       We give up. Defaulting our own life. Fear is killing our confidence. We want to want. Only. Allowing other people to decide for us and create our reality. Giving them our life to look after it. Running away from the responsibility. Losing ourselves giving up. Freedom seems to be only in books and fight for oneself only in movies. We are lacking ourselves. Starting to be nobody. Nothing. Just like a see-through spot. Our colours got erased by fear. We gave up. Lost. Took fright. Sinned.

We dream. Everywhere. About everything. Often. Only. We leave our dreams not fulfilled. Not getting out of our comfort zone. To make them come true we would need to have the courage. Bravery is the reason of unconventional behaviour. That is why we give up. We do not fight. Collecting our dreams. Writing books about them and then hiding them in the deepest drawer. Hoping that nobody will ever find them, that nobody will judge us. We do not want to be different. It is dangerous. Scary. Weird. We would risk being rejected. We want to leave, run away, disappear, hide. Speak, scream, change the world. But we are just dreaming. Not talking about this. Not feeling. Not making it happen. Being silent. Sinning.

        We forget. Time is healing us. Not feeling. Dying inside. Fading just like the black shirt you are washing for the thousand times. Everything seems to be not as strong as it should be. Nothing has a meaning. We do not know how it feels to love, trust, be scared, fight, want. We do not know. It doesn’t matter now. Our time has passed. In silence. We stop. Giving up. Not fighting. Standing. Lasting. Sinning.

       We are. Existing. Without a word. We want. We do not have. We agree. Lost ourselves in ourselves. It is too late. Now? What for… Giving up years ago we lost our identity. Not even remembering who we are. What we like, how we act. The world formed a new human. How well do you know him? Do you like him? He took you from yourself. We want changes. Too late. Rushing all the time. Why? There is nothing in the end. We are. Existing. Waiting. For nothing. Wanting. Too late. Lasting. Not living. Sinning. 

 

       Life is running out and we are running out of time. Doing nothing to stop it. We are schematic. Doing only the things that seem to be safe. Not risking. Growing up. Becoming more and more conservative. Changing. Losing ourselves. Our first scream turned out to be just a quiet groan. Silence. Silent consent. It is easier. Not living. Not being. Existing. Not playing the first fiddles. Leaving. It is safe not to feel. Being naïve is simpler. Not thinking. Not analysing. Giving up on our own life. Not fighting. Losing our bottle. Getting rid of our identity without any memories. Wordless, blind, deaf. Instead of living we are existing. Repeating. In silence. Sinning.